Turns out there's more to immigration reform than drawing a fence on a napkin. Your guide to the major players and their plans for the furriners.

Former Gov. Jeb Bush (R-FL)


Won't rule out a path to citizenship for undocumented immigrants, except for when he will.


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Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL)


Supports border security, a path to legal residency, and whatever else might lead to Marco Rubio becoming president.


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Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY)


As a leader of the Gang of Eight, he wants to put undocumented immigrants on a path to legal status, just as soon as he’s finished hazing the members who aren’t from New York.


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Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC)


Wants illegal aliens to become citizens, but only after they pay back taxes, learn English and climb Mt. Everest barefoot.


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Sen. John McCain (R-AZ)


Supports a path to citizenship, even though the only path true conservative Republicans support is the path outta here.


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President Barack Obama (D)


Refuses to deport children who came here illegally, despite the Constitution's "Be Horrible to Foreigners" clause. Speaking of which, has anyone seen this guy's birth certificate?


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Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX)


Wants a military-style border between the U.S. and Mexico. There is not enough barbed wire in the world to satisfy Ted Cruz.


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Sen. Dick Durbin (D-IL)


Supports the DREAM Act, which would give legal status to certain alien minors. People who don't like Lindsey Graham's reform plan get to yell about "Grahamnesty," but "Durbinnesty" just sounds like a lame village in Ireland.


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Sen. John Cornyn (R-TX)


Is concerned that illegal immigrants are "speaking Chinese, French and basically all of the languages in the world." Don't get him started on calling India for tech support.


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